Re-Test

So, in my endeavor to be more honest and to share "true" things about myself I write this post...

This Bible study that I'm currently working on, Believing God, was one that I completed (mostly) at the end of 2006 (a.k.a. the worst year of my life). So, it's all already filled in and as I'm doing it I'm writing in the margins or on seperate paper. It has been REALLY interesting to read the things I wrote a little over a year ago. You see, when I started this study I was still supremely devestated from a very unexpected miscarriage that had happened in May (the study began in September). It was really difficult to accept that God planned that event for my life and so painful I didn't talk to anyone about it with the exception of God for a long time.

I had always had an abundance of faith in God--I believe He holds my life and this world in the palm of His hand and has a plan for each and every one of us--I would go so far as to say that I believe His plan involves the everyday things like--oops, I burnt my toast, or oops I stubbed my toe--I believe that He is in charge of everything and that nothing escapes His notice. Having my miscarriage was the first time in my life that I felt as if I had escaped His notice. I did A LOT of painful journaling and a lot of praying and searching and really believed that God wanted me to heal and I assumed the best way to accomplish this would be to work through this Bible study and I believed that He would give me another pregnancy before the first baby I lost was due (the first baby was due on Amelie's 2nd birthday 12/30/06).

So, I went through the Bible study, ready to change and willing God to grant my baby-wish. Near the end of the study I found out that I was pregnant! I was thrilled!!! I was pregnant right at the end of November JUST before the deadline that I had given God--so everything was working according to plan--my plan. God had other plans....

It was just a week or so later that I lost baby number 2 and I couldn't believe it. How could HE betray me like this? I believed He would give me another child! I believed He was in control--didn't He teach me enough through the first loss I experienced? Why would He take 2 babies from a woman who wanted them so much? It was the most difficult month of my life and now I would have to experience my first babies due date while still greiving the loss of the second.

I share all of this because I have a phobia--it's a faith phobia. Yes I still believe all those things about God being in control and I did learn A LOT through my miscarriages however I have become terrified of growth b/c it is so painful. I am going through this study again kicking and screaming because I can't bear to grow any more. I have always felt (wrongly) that growth MUST be painful--that I will have to lose something dear to me in order to grow--that God will take away something that is mine.

See the faulty logic? Well, I see it too and for the life of my I'm doing my best to get that fear out of my heart! I"m working on reminding myself that everything I have is from God--it is HIS. Everything that I go through and everything my babies or my husband go through are to His glory. Even the crappy stuff. I would share more but I am NO expert. Just walking through this journey and trying to get through each day a little more like Him--sometimes it's like 2 steps forward and 15 steps back.

I have a LOT of work to do....